Headbanger surprise

Overheard downtown between two young men . . .

Lanky guy: "I heard there’s this metal band in Germany and the lead singer like blew his head off."

Dreadlock guy: "I think I know where you’re going with this. They made a necklace out of his skull."

Lanky guy: "Well, I heard they took his brain and made chili out of it. Or stew or something. It might be an urban legend, but . . ."

Dreadlock guy: "No, it’s true."

Surround sound this, mister!

Overheard at the north-end Husky . . .

Two men in a mini-van are trying to sell a home theatre system to a guy as he walks to his car.

Seller: "It retails for $2,499. I'll knock like two grand off."

Passerby: "No thanks."

Seller: "Awww, come on, man!"

Passerby (getting aggravated): "Dude! All I want is THIS coffee and THESE celery sticks!"

Mother knows best

Overheard by Sailorfat at Halloween Distributors . . . 

A girl in her early 20s and her mom are looking at the underwear in the lingerie section.

Girl: "I can't wear any of these with my costume. They are way too slutty."

Mom: "It's Halloween. You are supposed to look slutty."

The kids are at swimming

Overheard by Eric at Galaxy Theatre . . .

Guy 1: "It's Monday night. Do you know where your children are?"

Guy 2: "They're still in my testicles."

Greetings, Dubya

Overheard by Jen near TCU . . .

Protester on megaphone: "Bush is a war criminal!"

Older guy across street, in line for speech: "You're too loud."

Would you care to see my cucumber?

Overheard by Veggiegirl while working in a garden . . .

Woman: "Do they usually grow this big? I've never seem them this big."

Man responds suggestively: "Thank you . . . genetics."

(*They're talking about tomatoes)

Blame your parents

Overheard by Dotty at Dots . . . 

Younger salesgirl chatting with older salesgirl: "Is pneumonia genetic?"

More dirty dancing . . .

Overheard by Jenny in the bushes by the train bridge . . . "Stick it in me. 'Cause I love you."

The last dance

Overheard at an office . . .

Guy: "When I heard that Patrick Swayze died, my first thought was, 'Nobody puts Johnny in a coffin.' "

Momma's boy

Overheard by Brett in the men's washroom at Vangeli's Tavern . . .

Brett (noticing a button on the floor): "Looks like someone lost a button."

Drunk, possibly high, 50-ish guy at next urinal: "If I lost a button, I'd take it to my mom and say, 'Mom! Sew on my button.' And she'd say, 'Sew it yourself! Can't you sew your own button?' I'd say, 'Yeah, mom! I can sew my own button!' But that's just my mom. She's f**ked. She's 89."

That's doubly ignorant

Overheard by "Brett" at the Muslim tent, outside the Farmer's Market . . .

A woman picked up the Quran and asked her friend, "Is this one of Obama's books?"

Say . . . swastika!

Overheard by "Inappropriate" at a soiree where people are talking about inappropriate places to pose happily for pictures . . .

Man: I know someone that, when they were at Auschwitz they saw someone posing for a picture like this [*makes a huge grin and thumbs-up*]

Woman #1: Really?!?

Woman #2: It's not like you are going to the happiest place on Earth.

Man: Yeah. It's like, 'You've just won Wimbledon! What are you going to do now?' . . . 'I'm going to a concentration camp!'

That's what she said!

Overheard while submitting an entry to Overheard in Saskatoon . . .

Woman: I wanna be Woman #2!

Man: In what way?

Inmates running the asylum

Overheard by Bruinfan at Saskatoon Corrections . . .

Some contractors are walking past the inmates when one prisoner yells out: "Hey, go to work! You didn't want to go to jail."

A zinger!

Overheard by "alistener" on Wired 96.3 . . .

"Summer tip: Family reunions are not a good place to pick up chicks. This isn't Regina."

These guys are straight shooters

Overheard on the roof of The Yard . . .

30's guy: "Maccabee's is straight up the worst beer in the world. There's a reason the Israelis have never lost a war . . . it's because they can drink this beer."

Never wake a sleepwalker

Overheard at New Island Sushi . . .

20's male with friends: "We were saying that if a zombie infestation hit 20th Street, you wouldn't even realize it. You see the same people walking every day. This guy was like, 'What about the blood?' and I replied, 'Like I said, you wouldn't even realize it.' "

What are they talking about?

Overheard in an office . . .

Twenties woman: "Size doesn't really matter."
Forties woman: "Well, do you want to try a medium one?"
Twenties woman: "Sure."
Forties woman: "Yeah, try that and if you like it, I'll get you another one."

Have another beer

Overheard outside the Yard . . .

Cat owner: "I figured out what to do with my kitties."
Male friend: "You've got two. You only need one."
Female friend: "No, you've gotta have two cats."
Male friend: "What are you talking about?"
Cat owner: "My kitties . . . my cats."
Male friend: "Oh! I thought you said KIDNEYS!"

Future considerations

Overheard by Amanda in the women's bathroom at O'Hanlon's in Regina (we make exceptions from time to time) . . .

Tall girl 1: "I bought Todd two shirts today."
Tall girl 2: "Why?"
Tall girl 1: "Because he needed them."
Tall girl 2: "Because you feel guilty."
Tall girl 1: "About what?"
Tall girl 2: "About Dusty."
Tall girl 1: "I never *SLEPT* with Dusty."
Tall girl 2: "I guess that makes you a clean girl, then."
Tall girl 1: "But I'm going to."
Tall girl 2: "See? Guilty."

That's wacky tabaccy

Overheard near Idylwyld Esso . . .

Older man: "Years ago, when Peter Jackson cigarettes first came out, we used to say they were made of horseshit and cabbage leaves, but they forgot the cabbage leaves."

This happens a lot, does it?

Overheard at the 2nd Avenue sidewalk sale . . . 

A white, middle-aged man is talking to no one in particular. He seems healthy and well-dressed. But as he passes one stranger, he lifts his pant leg and shows a scab on his shin.

"I'm getting really tired of getting beat up with a baseball bat," he says.

Hey, kid! You don't know Jack.

Overheard by K-Mac at the Jazz Festival . . .

Sitting in the beer gardens, drunk young people dare one of their cohorts to approach "Jack Layton" in the audience. But it's a case of mistaken identity as the older gentleman has far less hair which is GREY not white, and he easily has 20 years on Layton. The dared individual returns to his friends and laments, "I could have totally swore that was him!"

No, not that king!

Overheard at a hair salon . . .

Male customer: "That Michael Jackson memorial is today."

Female stylist: "Oh, really? I don't know anything about it. Where is it being held? Graceland?"

Stupid human tricks

Found in the Bessborough Gardens during the Jazz Festival . . .

What's my line? This . . .

Overheard by Brett outside of Lydia's . . .

Smoker guy to female passer-by: "I have fresh incense and a studio apartment."

The STARE masters

Attractive girl walks by in tight shirt and lululemon pants . . .

Biker 1: I wanna be 20 again. Where were those girls hiding when I was 20? It must be all the chemicals in the food or something. Pretty soon there won't be an ugly girl in the world.

Biker 2: Do you think your missus will ever find someone else?

Biker 1: I don't give a fuck.

"And then . . . and then . . ."

Overheard by Coolio in a women's bathroom in Chamberlain . . .

Woman in stall with a chatty kid: "OK, buddy, but right now you've got to concentrate on pooping. Hurry up."

Make up your mind, sexy-voiced lady

Overheard on Rock 102 . . .

Deejay Alexis on Wednesday:

" . . . still my favourite band of all-time, that's Theory of a Deadman."

Deejay Alexis on Friday:

" . . . in the last year, those guys have probably become my favourite band of all-time — Kings of Leon!"

White trash would never do that!

Overheard on a patio . . .

Guy 1: "What happened to that frame in your yard?"

Guy 2: "The white trash called the city on me. I might look white trash, I guess. [*Trucker hat, collared cowboy shirt] Anyway, I wanted to use that frame to build a big mud-bogging thing."

Guilty until proven innocent

Overheard by Coolio by at the courthouse . . .

After going through the courthouse metal detector, a woman says: "What are they going to ask me to do next? Bend over and cough?"

This ain't Jax, ladies!

Overheard at the Broadway Roastery, two attractive women discussing life in Las Vegas . . .

Woman: "I was wearing this little, short skirt. Thought I was just hoochin' it up. Then I walk in there (The Belagio) and I look like grandma!"

"We can't do this," he said. "I'm not ready."

Overheard at Mystic Java . . .

Guy 1: "Yeah, so that's the girl who tried to take my yoga virginity."

Guy 2: "My sister took mine. Oh, that sounds bad."

Ummm, about that child support . . .

Overheard by Todd in the men's room at Maguires Pub . . .

Two young girls enter the men's room (to be bold or edgy) and some patron grumbles and says, "Fuck off." Then a 50-something man says, "Hey, be good to these girls. They could be my daughters." The young girls giggle and one grabs the old guy's arm. Then he proceeds to add, "Yeah, 20 years ago I was banging all kinds of sluts around here."

Ummm, so it's not Father's Day today?

Overheard by LC in a Broadway back alley at about 4 a.m. . . .

Very drunk woman: "Your kids don't love you! Your kids don't love you! You know why? Because YOU'RE NOT THEIR DAD!!"

I don't care if she can vote!

Overheard outside of the Spadina Freehouse . . .

Male hipster: "Why are you calling her? She's only 18."

Hipster's friend: "What do you mean?"

Male hipster: "Don't call underage girls. They can't do anything for us."

No tip for you!

Overheard at Katouki Taverna. Two guys complaining about the servers at The Freehouse . . .

Guy 1: "They just use their boobs. That's their only move. If you have a bunch of 17- or 18-year-olds, maybe that works."
Guy 2: "Yeah, but we've been to Vegas!"

. . . to pay for the wedding, I mean.

Overheard on 2nd Avenue . . .

Girl on bike to stranger: "Do you have an extra smoke?"

Stranger: "Yeah. Hold on."

Smiling man to stranger: "That's my daughter. You should fall in love with her. Hey, do you have any change?"

Do cliches impress girls?

Middle-aged dude talking to a middle-aged woman on a patio . . .

Man: "There's a lot between Heaven and Earth. At the end of the day, truth is stranger than fiction. I'm a man who casts his net wide."

Those hockey sticks look funny

Overheard between two thirtysomething guys at a field near Griffiths Stadium . . .

Guy 1: "What's going on here?"

Guy 2: "I seen some guys playing field hockey. That's for the girls, I thought."

Guy 1: "Umm, I think guys play it in the Olympics."

Guy 2: "You're kidding!"

From the shallow end . . .

Overheard at the Broadway Roastery — a young woman talking to two male friends . . .

Skinny blonde: "I'll do guys' hair and they'll rant and rave about their wives and say the nicest things. Then I'll meet their wives and they'll be overweight and not really that good looking. And I think, 'Wow. That's awesome that he's really in love with her.' "

Guess what revs my motor . . .

Two guys — a 30-something Newfoundlander, and an older, burly guy in a Harley jacket — are having coffee at the Roastery . . .

Newfoundlander: America's the fattest country, but Canada's not too far behind. Geez, you see some of those women and they're 700 pounds.

Burly guy: Yeah, but you know that beneath there somewhere, there's a nice little body.

Surprise!

Overheard by "broadwaybicyclist" who writes:

A car stops at a red light and the passenger gets out and walks to the sidewalk. I am on my bike, waiting to cross the crosswalk. The guy beside me sees the man who got out of the car and realizes that it's his friend. He says: "Tommy, you came out of nowhere! Like a suicide bomber!"

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful

Overheard by "SailorFat" at DQ . . .

Girl talking on her phone to a friend:

"You should get me a job at the cosmetics counter. I don't have any qualifications but just tell them I'm really beautiful and I'm sure I will get the job."

Good vibrations

Overheard at Eastview Bowl . . . a big, bearded guy describing his front-row seats for the upcoming Glen Campbell concert at TCU:

Man: "If he farts, I'll smell it."

This blog is getting dirty

Jo is a Saskatonian living in South Korea. That's where she heard this gem which was "too good not to share." We agree, so here it is . . .

14-year-old Korean boy's T-shirt: (picture of a bus and this message) "Please stop the bus and let my brother Jack off."

Ah, the innuendo . . .

Overheard outside of an office . . .

Woman 1: I'll have to slide it in and see if it fits.

Woman 2: Well, if it fits in yours, it will fit in mine.

Estrogen 1, Testosterone 0

Overheard by our loyal reader, Saskboy, who lives in the south Saskatoon suburb of Regina . . .

Woman: If a man and a woman have a disagreement, the woman is always right.

Man: But what if two men have a disagreement? Who is right then?

Woman: The more effeminate man is right.

She really purrs

Several motorcyclists are gathered in the parking lot of the Broadway Roastery. One guy starts up his lightweight bike and is immediately mocked . . .

Harley guy: What is that? A weed whacker?

A chuck steak of sorts

Overheard at the Broadway Roastery . . .

Woman: My first job was at a hospital. I worked in the kitchen.

Man: I could never work in a kitchen. My first job was at Bonanza. I lasted three days and I quit. I was dry heaving.

Phone fugitive

Overheard at the airport . . .

Woman 1: Did you ever do 'pay-as-you-go' texting?
Woman 2: Not here. Overseas. It was more like 'pay-if-you-want' . . .
Two women laugh.
Woman 3: What?
Woman 2: You just change apartments.

What goes up must come out

Overheard by Brett at a conference on autism . . .

Speaker: ". . . and I know you'll have toys coming up the wing-wang." [NOTE: Is that better than out the yin-yang . . .]

This ain't a martini bar

Two sharp-dressed men in suits stumble out of Bud's on Broadway . . .

Man 1: Oh, man, it's RANCID in there!
Man 2: I know, I know. It was a mistake.

It's like LOL, but different

Overheard by Savannah at Tim Hortons on 51st . . .

Older woman: I wonder what the hold-up is.

Teenager: The cashier is AFK.

(For all you old people out there, "AFK" is a term the kids use, meaning "away from keyboard.")

I don't quite get the logic, but . . .

Also overheard at 2nd Ave. McDonald's . . .

Girl 1: My smoke got wet.

Girl 2: Let it dry. It'll be OK.

Girl 1: Dude, it's ripped!

Girl 2: Oh, nevermind then.

Girl 1: I'll wrap it in paper. It'll be a GREEN smoke!

Mean girls . . . Saskatoon-style.

Overheard at 2nd Ave. McDonald's . . .

Teen girl 1: Brandy* got glasses. Ha ha. They don't look that good.

Teen girl 2: She's not that hot.

Teen girl 1: I know. She's got weird bone structure. She looks exactly like her brother and he's a transvestite.

(*- not her real name)

APRIL'S TOP POST

Based on your votes, the most popular post for April is . . . Click here.

Thanks for voting. Keep your ears open and keep those submissions coming.

Yours in eavesdropping,
Saskatoon Guy

What? I'm just (bi-)curious!

Overheard at Midtown . . .

Girl to Mom: You know who has the best ass?
Mom: Who?
Girl: Jesse M-----.
Mom: Is that a guy or a girl?

Savvy senior citizen

Overheard at the Leonard Cohen concert . . .

Leonard Cohen: It's been a long time since I stood on a stage here — 14 or 15 years. I was 60 then . . . . just a kid with a crazy dream. (Smile)

Use the force, Mahatma!

Overheard by "Offe" near the sculpture of Gandhi on 2nd Avenue . . .

One young girl to another: Let's go stand by that Star Wars guy!

Over 1 Billion Wiped (?)

Overheard by "Deep Fried" at the 2nd Avenue McDonald's . . .

Woman, to a friend, after ordering a cheeseburger: I'm just going to take a bunch of napkins because we're never going to buy toilet paper.

Use your inside voice

Overheard in a parking lot . . . 

Girl 1: I was at a party hammered as f---. And I had to listen to screamo music. I AM NOT INTO SCREAMO MUSIC!!

Girl 2: You're screaming.

Leather chaps optional

Overheard in men's bathroom at Winston's . . .

Drunk guy on cellphone at urinals: Well, tell her to f---ing wait! . . . (pause) . . . OK, we'll get a cab now. But if you guys leave me at that f---ing cowboy bar, I'll f---ing kill you!

Name that tune

The following was overheard by "Back in Town" at Divine on Broadway. R.E.M.'s song Man on the Moon was playing on the store's audio system.

Female staffer: Hey, Great Big Sea! I love this band!
Male staffer: Yeah, so good. Wait, I think this might actually be Flock of Seagulls.
Female staffer: Nah! They don't sound that good.
Male staffer: No, no Hootie & The Blowfish.
Female staffer walks over to read the name of the band: R.E.M.?! This doesn't sound anything like that With or Without You song . . .

Something fishy here . . .

Overheard at Buds on Broadway . . .

Drunk guy: I've got some tuna in my car right now. I was supposed to go over to this chick's house for tuna dinner. Didn't work out. That's OK. She's PMS-ing and she said she'd probably rip my head off. I believe it, too, the way she's been acting. I just said, "Tell me when the coast is clear." So yeah, I've got this tuna in my car.

Do NOT look under the mattress!

Overheard by Saskboy at La Bodega (which is so far south that sometimes people think it's in Regina) . . .

Guy to friends: I remember that time I hit a deer on the way to Grandma's and almost swerved into a truck. I only thought, "I hope my apartment is clean because someone is going to have to go through it [when I'm dead]."

A sign of the times

A couple got married by a justice of the peace in the back room of the Broadway Roastery. After the ceremony, a woman who'd been taking pictures said to the couple, "You'll have to Photoshop out that sign behind you." The sign read: THERE IS ALWAYS NEXT TIME.

Gandhi mentored my PC

Overheard by Cadmium Sandwiches at the family computer . . .

50-ish computer novice: So what does the hourglass thingy mean?

Daughter: It is showing you it's processing information.

50-ish computer novice: So the hourglass means the computer is meditating to find inner happiness?

Here comes the bride . . .

Overheard at the Roastery . . .

Christian girl 1: I don't know what the infatuation with strapless dresses is.

Christian girl 2: I like my back showing . . . low.

Christian girl 1: Yeah. But you don't wanna look too sexy on your wedding day. You're wearing white because you're virtuous.

Old McDonald had a farm . . .

Overheard by April while working on a farm . . .

Farmhand 1: Hey, guess what I had for breakfast this morning.
Farmhand 2: Umm, cereal?
Farmhand 1: Nope, hamburgers. Two of them.

She's got a fast car, but no dictionary

Our thanks to the barista at the Broadway Starbucks who eavesdropped on a date and heard a girl deliver this impressive gem:

Girl: "I really like old-school hip hop. Like Tracy Chapman and stuff."

She went on to say . . .

Girl: "I'm the king of fasting or whatever."

Guy: "Oh yeah?"

Girl: "Yeah, I really like being full."

MARCH'S TOP POST

Your votes are in and we're pleased to announce the most popular post for March. Click here.

Keep your ears open and keep those submissions coming.

Yours in eavesdropping,
Saskatoon Guy

Don't talk to strangers!

OK, today we make an exception. The following was overheard in Regina, but because Saskboy is a loyal reader, we'll bend the rules and pass along his submission.

A couple (let's call them Cliff and Mary for the sake of easy identification) meets a stranger on the sidewalk outside an apartment building . . .

Mary to male stranger: Hi!

Male stranger: Hello!

Cliff to Mary: You're going to get stabbed. This is Regina. I've seen stabbings . . .

What's the rush?

Overheard at the airport . . .

Woman: Where are they?

Man: They just left the house.

Woman: What?

Man: I told you, she's never been on time a day in her life. She was late for her birth. I talked to her mom and she said she had to be induced.

Worth the read

An elderly lady is sitting next to a young man on the bus:

Old lady: If there's one thing I believe, it's that we have to fix the healthcare system. My parents were never in the hospital a day in their lives. My father had some liniment — I don't know if it was Watkins Liniment or not — and you could just put it on your joints if they hurt. You could drink it, too. That's what we need, is something like that that cures everything. There's just no excuse today for anyone to be sick, with all the knowledge that we have. But people are lazy and stupid. It's a little harder to be smart than stupid, but it's so worth it. But people eat things that would make a dog sick. Are you married?

Young man shakes his head no.

Old lady: Well, when you get married, you'll find that the first couple of meals that your wife makes will be a little tough to swallow, but you'll get used to it.

— Overheard by scheherezhade. Check out her blog here. Good job, scheherezhade! Way to hang in there for a good story! Thanks for sharing.

Fun with palindromes

Overheard at the north-end Husky . . .

Trucker to clerk: Hey, Anna, your name is the same backwards.

Clerk: Uh-huh.

Trucker: Hey, look on the bright side . . . at least you're not named Lana.

We win! Gimme that sheep.

Overheard at the Roastery . . .

ESL teacher to two students: When the French and the Germans were fighting wars all the time, they needed a way to communicate. They'd say, "OK, you can have this sheep and these goats and this land." And that's where English came from.

And all this time I haven't had a bulletproof vest

Overheard at the Roastery . . .

Teen girl: Saskatoon is like the most dangerous city in Canada. And like third in the world!

Teen guy: No, it's ninth in the world. I read the list.

Teen girl: Baghdad is like right ahead of us!

Sizing up the situation

Overheard by CCM at a house . . .

One friend to another: All the bang and kapow and you still don't have the implants!! . . . . Well, f**k you then!!

THERE'S the beef!

Overheard by CCM during a "once-a-month" cooking club. A vegetarian woman opens the fridge freezer to an explosion of its contents . . .

Woman: I'm in the middle of a meat avalanche and neither of you care because you're both hopped up on ludes!

Necrophilic sex appeal?

"Why do they call them the Pussycat Dolls? (emphasis on plural) One of them sings and the other four stand around like zombies. It's like Night of the Living Dead!"

— Nutana Cafe worker

Crushin' on Robbie Robertson

Middle-aged couple on a first date at a café . . .

Man: We wanted to go see the band.

Woman: THE Band?

Man (laughing): No, the band that was playing. I don't think 'The Band' has ever been here.

Think he'll live to see it?

Overheard at Credit Union Centre . . .

Forty-ish guy: I waited 31 years for Green Bay to win a championship. When the Leafs finally win, it's going to be a three-week party. Hutterites might go into hiding.

Family reunions are feisty

Overheard at the Shark Club during the UFC pay-per-view. Two competitors are cautiously feeling each other out, much to the chagrin of the crowd.

Drunk guy: I've seen my fat cousins show more aggression in a waltz at an anniversary because they both wanted to lead!

Spock was nowhere to be seen

A group of people is waiting for the elevator at Credit Union Centre . . .

Impatient guy: Are you kidding me? They beamed Captain Kirk back from the Prison Planet faster than this!

Anger management, anyone?

Three women are discussing cellphone options over lunch at Nutana Cafe:

Woman 1: What are your top three things? Do you want to get your e-mail . . . do you just wanna make phone calls . . .

Woman 2: Or do you want one shaped like a bat so you can hit people?!

Romancing the stoner

Teenage girl at Roastery: Remember that time behind Buds when Mr. Smith* took a hit of our weed? Then he said, "I'll give you a ride home." I was like, "Oh, it's all right. I'll walk," because it was like 20 minutes or whatever. But he was like, "I insist." So he gave me a ride home and he put on this Elton John song. It was really inappropriate.

(*Not his real name)

WE HAVE A TIE!

Based on your votes, the most popular posts for February are this one and also this one.

Thanks for your votes! Now keep your ears open and submit your own!

Austin Powers has nothing on this guy

Drunk guy at The Yard is using the urinal when the auto-flush kicks in . . .

Peeing guy: I must have been here a while. That's the second time it's flushed.

He went there

Two guys outside the Yard & Flagon during Sunday trivia night . . .

Guy 1: So how did you do in trivia?
Guy 2: Actually, I came halfway through.
Guy 1: That's what she said!

The Black Hat Theory

Overheard outside Winston's . . .

Fedora guy: Yeah, I like this hat but I got a stain on it.

Castro cap guy: You should get a black hat. Then you can't see the stains. (Points at his own black hat.) This one has stains, but . . .

Fedora guy: I can see the stains nevermind!

Man seeking same

Overheard at Flint . . .

Three guys are talking at a table when a drunk guy interrupts:

Drunk: Excuse me. Are you guys straight?

Hetero 1: As an arrow.

Drunk: OK. I knew you two guys were straight, but you (points at third guy, an artsy Sam Roberts type) I'm not so sure.

The stare master

Overheard in the bathroom at Winston's . . .

Two strangers at the urinals:

Guy 1: You can pee and text at the same time?
Guy 2: Yeah . . . stop staring at me, you pervert.

His name is Joe! And he is Canadian!

Overheard at Lydia's . . .

A group of guys is eyeing up a cute girl across the room:

Dude: "She's talking to some schlup drinkin' a bottle of Canadian. How far is that gonna go?"

Stick to being the D.D.

Overheard on a Monday night at Fox & Hounds . . .

Guy to his buddy: "Remember the last time you drank tequila? You woke up on the hood of your car with keys in your ass."

Such a waist

Overheard by "Chantalle" at Lawson Heights Mall . . .

Guy hitches up his jeans as he walks with another guy and a girl:
"I either need to get a belt or an ass."

So that's what happened to Miss Piggy!

Overheard at the Broadway Roastery . . .

Woman 1: Hey, nice mitts.
Woman 2: Thanks. I made them.
Woman 1: Where did you get the fluffy pink stuff?
Woman 2: I had to skin several Muppets that I lured into my house.

The old ball and chain

Overheard by "officechatter" . . .

Younger guy: (singing) ONE is the loneliest number . . . ONE is the loneliest . . .
Old co-worker interrupts: Two is the loneliest number if you're married to my wife.

The rare talking moose

Overheard by "ears" at a restaurant . . .

Burly dude: A moose and her calf ran out in front of my truck. I slammed on the brakes and missed the cow but the calf froze and I could hear him crying. His mom was screaming at him: "Get up! Get up!" I leaned over my dash but he was just as high as my bumper so I couldn't see him. Finally he got up and ran into the bush with his mom and I thought, "Thank f--k."

She's probably not on the dean's list

Overheard by "luckyroommate" at an eatery . . .

Girl 1: Can you help me with this application form?

Girl 2: Sure.

Girl 1: This section here needs to be filled out by the registrar. That's me, right? I'm supposed to confirm I'm enrolled in university but I have to put the information on official letterhead. I don't have letterhead! And you're supposed to stamp it with your official stamp. Where do I get a stamp?

Girl 2: You're not the registrar. It's the university registrar. Just bring this form to the office.

The 'F' in UFC stands for fighting, not . . .

A middle-aged gay man at the Roastery is looking at newspaper photos of UFC fighters. He points at a photo where one guy is on the other guy's back.

Gay guy: Oooh! That looks like fun!

A virtual senior citizen

Two Pita Pit employees discuss a job applicant.

Supervisor: He seemed good. He was old, though. He must've been 35, eh? But we should hire an old guy. He'd know how to work.

I think he bites

Overheard by "officechatter" . . .

A woman is selling her kid's raffle tickets at work.
Woman: Would you like to buy a raffle ticket?
Grumpy co-worker: OK, OK. How much are they? And don't say, "Three for five bucks." How much is one f--kin' ticket?

I have no idea what to say

Overheard by "JV" at Superstore . . .

Guy: So, how's it going?
Girl: Good, good. My Dad just passed away.

The end is nigh

Overheard by "officechatter" . . .

A 50-something man is bemoaning the gloomy stock market.
Younger guy: But everything will be OK when I retire in 30 years, right?
50-something: Thirty years? Oh, f--k. There'll be no Earth in 30 years.

She's a handsome gal

Overheard by "sortofantisocial" in the girls' bathroom at Louis' pub . . .

Drunk scenester girl wearing a fake moustache:
"I look like my dad."

Hey! Isn't that Nicolas Cage?

Girl: I use The Club on my car because at least it's a deterrent.

Guy: Yeah, well, this isn't a city where the Gone in 60 Seconds crew is hangin' around.

— The Broadway Roastery

Almost seeing red

Overheard at The Galaxy . . .

Black-haired little girl: I have red hair, Daddy.

Dad: You have red hair?

Black-haired little girl: Yeah, but it's at home.

Mom: It's fake.

Dad: Oh, I thought your mom was gonna be in trouble.

Guess what I found in the wardrobe!

Overheard at a used bookstore . . .

Man: I lost my Christian faith in the crazy '60s. I got it back reading C.S. Lewis.

WE HAVE A WINNER!

Based on your votes, the most popular post for January is . . .

CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT

And keep those submissions coming. Use the simple form at the top right corner of this page. It's completely anonymous and fun and frivolous. Oh, and tell your friends. The more ears we've got listening, the more fun we'll all have.

—SG

He doesn't like to be disturbed

Overheard by "hannah" at the kitchen table . . .

Sister 1: When he's in the bath, he sure loves playing with his balls.

Sisters laugh while Sister 1 bounces her one-year-old son on her knee.

Sister 1: His colourful plastic toy balls.

What did you call me?

Overheard by "officechatter" . . .

Three guys and a girl are sharing Sweethearts candy.

Guy 1: What does yours say?

Guy 2: (squinting) Spooky Prick. Oh, Groovy Chick. It's hard to tell.

We're all on the same team here

In honour of the upcoming Super Bowl, we dig into the vault for this exchange overheard last year at the Roastery:

Girl 1: "It's not very busy in here."

Girl 2: "Well, the Super Bowl is on."

Girl 1: "It's the Super Bowl today?"

Girl 2: "Yeah, what kind of lesbian are you?"

He looks like his grandpa . . . but smaller

Overheard by "3tsh" in a downtown paint store . . .

Father calls to his toddler son: Gollum!

You men are all the same

Heterosexual girl to heterosexual guy: Don't become gay, man. Then you'll have to deal with the same problems as me.

— The Broadway Roastery

Who are these impostors?!

Overheard by "Pretty sure" at Coles in Midtown Plaza:

Clerk: Can I help you find anything?
Customer: Yeah, where do you keep the real books? Do you even have any real books? I have been through the whole store and can't find any.
Clerk: What do you mean by "real books"? All the books we have are real books.
Customer: Well, about real things.
Clerk: Is there anything in particular that you are looking for?
Customer: No, I just want to know where they are.
Clerk shows customer to the non-fiction section.
Customer: Okay . . .
Customer leaves shortly after not looking at the "real books" . . .

Beware the carnivorous fruit

Twentysomething woman, speaking into cellphone: Hi, I was wondering if you could answer a question for me because you're vegetarian. Are avocados vegetarian?

— Market Mall
(Submitted by "Jaw dropped")

WE NEED YOUR EARS, SASKATOON!

Please see the updated information on how to submit a quote (top right of this page). It's easy and anonymous. Plus, it feels kind of naughty and that's always fun ;-)

Spread the word . . .

— SG

Where's the beef?

Overheard at McDonald's . . .

Older lady: Could I get a cheeseburger? But I don't want no meat — just lettuce, tomato and chicken sauce.

No, we just have regular crap

Overheard at Dollarama . . .

Woman: Do you have little plaques with people's names on them?

Clerk: No.

Woman: Do you have little piggy banks with dollar signs on them?

Clerk: No.

Woman shakes her head and walks away.

With a side of vague, please

Elderly lady: "Could I get two submarine sandwiches?"
Subway employee: "Uh, could you be more specific?"

— Subway at Circle Drive Home Depot

Allowance? Pffft.

Tweener girl to mom: "In Alberta, they hire kids as young as 11 to work at Tim Hortons. I could make a good living."

Where everybody knows your name

Naïve girl: I've never known how they get away with calling a bar 'The Hos'.
Friend: It's actually The Hose and Hydrant. People call it The Hose for short.
Naïve girl: Ohhh. I kept thinking, not all hos go to bars.

(overheard by scheherezhade in Human Geography class)
— University of Saskatchewan

The boy formerly known as . . .

Girl 1: Hey, ____ Peters changed his last name.

Girl 2: Why?

Girl 1: I don't know. Maybe there was a sexual innuendo.

— The Broadway Roastery

Truth be told . . .

Student 1: Do you have a learning disability or something?
Student 2: Yeah. I'm ADD.
Student 1: Oh.
Student 2: Just kidding! I'm just stupid.

(overheard by goingtoclass)

A family affair

Dude: So, this Oedipus guy killed his dad and married his mom.
Girl: Gross . . . So, did they do it?
Dude: Oh, yeah.
Girl: Cool.

— University of Saskatchewan
(overheard by headshakingprof)

No, baby, you don't look fat

Guy: "Here, have some more."
Girlfriend: "No, thanks. I don't wanna end up obeast."
Guy: "You mean obese."
Girlfriend: "Oh."

Hooped . . . like the kids say.

Elderly lady: "If you have portable phones and the power goes out, you're hooped! Katherine found that out when her power was out for seven days and 12 hours."

— The Broadway Roastery

Buckle up . . . this ain't no dial-up.

Overheard by thinkingh at Future Shop near the wireless internet routers.

Younger dude: "So wireless-N is the fastest right now?"
Older dude: "That's right."
Younger dude: "Yeah, but is it going to be too fast?"

Alberta envy

Woman: "Who's gonna play the accordion after a hand of Kaiser before heading home to feed the cattle if everyone just moves to Calgary?"

— Lydia's

Meowwww!

Cougar: "People are always coming down on cougars, but what about the little f***ers who are doing them?"

— The Yard & Flagon

Smells like a long time ago

Woman: "The last time I rode a horse, Kurt Cobain was still alive."

— The Broadway Roastery

Gangsta got owned!

Mom to gangsta son: "Don't point your fork at my face! Where did you learn that?! From your rap music? From you videos? You are from PRINCE ALBERT, SASKATCHEWAN, and don't you forget that!"

— The Great Buffet of China

Indiana Jane

Inexplicably, a young woman is brandishing a whip in the shadows outside of Amigo's night club.

Amigo's employee: "Hey, do you think you're kinky?"

Whip girl: "Oh, that's funny coming from the little guy."

Smoker girl 1 (as Whip girl gets a little too close): "Hey, practise your shit at home, Indiana Jones."

Smoker girl 2: "You know, it's kind of weird and random, but honestly I'm OK with it."

Amigo's employee: "Get dead, bitch!" (as he scurries back inside)

Down and dirty flirting

Male laundromat customer to punkish female clerk: "Nice tongue stud."

Female clerk: "Nice stud yourself."

— Arthur Rose Cleaners downtown

Dribbling is awkward

"They've invented some of the world's deadliest weapons, but they can't invent a teapot that doesn't spill!"

— Sushi customer at Otawa on 2nd Avenue

Mommy won't be home for supper

"You don't have to cuff me! I'm pregnant!"

— 33rd Street Safeway

I don't think so, daddy-o!

"But what if you're up in Heaven and you see all sorts of abstract stuff? Then you'll have to shut your pie hole!"

— middle-aged man to his dad, Broadway Roastery