Austin Powers has nothing on this guy

Drunk guy at The Yard is using the urinal when the auto-flush kicks in . . .

Peeing guy: I must have been here a while. That's the second time it's flushed.

He went there

Two guys outside the Yard & Flagon during Sunday trivia night . . .

Guy 1: So how did you do in trivia?
Guy 2: Actually, I came halfway through.
Guy 1: That's what she said!

The Black Hat Theory

Overheard outside Winston's . . .

Fedora guy: Yeah, I like this hat but I got a stain on it.

Castro cap guy: You should get a black hat. Then you can't see the stains. (Points at his own black hat.) This one has stains, but . . .

Fedora guy: I can see the stains nevermind!

Man seeking same

Overheard at Flint . . .

Three guys are talking at a table when a drunk guy interrupts:

Drunk: Excuse me. Are you guys straight?

Hetero 1: As an arrow.

Drunk: OK. I knew you two guys were straight, but you (points at third guy, an artsy Sam Roberts type) I'm not so sure.

The stare master

Overheard in the bathroom at Winston's . . .

Two strangers at the urinals:

Guy 1: You can pee and text at the same time?
Guy 2: Yeah . . . stop staring at me, you pervert.

His name is Joe! And he is Canadian!

Overheard at Lydia's . . .

A group of guys is eyeing up a cute girl across the room:

Dude: "She's talking to some schlup drinkin' a bottle of Canadian. How far is that gonna go?"

Stick to being the D.D.

Overheard on a Monday night at Fox & Hounds . . .

Guy to his buddy: "Remember the last time you drank tequila? You woke up on the hood of your car with keys in your ass."

Such a waist

Overheard by "Chantalle" at Lawson Heights Mall . . .

Guy hitches up his jeans as he walks with another guy and a girl:
"I either need to get a belt or an ass."

So that's what happened to Miss Piggy!

Overheard at the Broadway Roastery . . .

Woman 1: Hey, nice mitts.
Woman 2: Thanks. I made them.
Woman 1: Where did you get the fluffy pink stuff?
Woman 2: I had to skin several Muppets that I lured into my house.

The old ball and chain

Overheard by "officechatter" . . .

Younger guy: (singing) ONE is the loneliest number . . . ONE is the loneliest . . .
Old co-worker interrupts: Two is the loneliest number if you're married to my wife.

The rare talking moose

Overheard by "ears" at a restaurant . . .

Burly dude: A moose and her calf ran out in front of my truck. I slammed on the brakes and missed the cow but the calf froze and I could hear him crying. His mom was screaming at him: "Get up! Get up!" I leaned over my dash but he was just as high as my bumper so I couldn't see him. Finally he got up and ran into the bush with his mom and I thought, "Thank f--k."

She's probably not on the dean's list

Overheard by "luckyroommate" at an eatery . . .

Girl 1: Can you help me with this application form?

Girl 2: Sure.

Girl 1: This section here needs to be filled out by the registrar. That's me, right? I'm supposed to confirm I'm enrolled in university but I have to put the information on official letterhead. I don't have letterhead! And you're supposed to stamp it with your official stamp. Where do I get a stamp?

Girl 2: You're not the registrar. It's the university registrar. Just bring this form to the office.

The 'F' in UFC stands for fighting, not . . .

A middle-aged gay man at the Roastery is looking at newspaper photos of UFC fighters. He points at a photo where one guy is on the other guy's back.

Gay guy: Oooh! That looks like fun!

A virtual senior citizen

Two Pita Pit employees discuss a job applicant.

Supervisor: He seemed good. He was old, though. He must've been 35, eh? But we should hire an old guy. He'd know how to work.

I think he bites

Overheard by "officechatter" . . .

A woman is selling her kid's raffle tickets at work.
Woman: Would you like to buy a raffle ticket?
Grumpy co-worker: OK, OK. How much are they? And don't say, "Three for five bucks." How much is one f--kin' ticket?

I have no idea what to say

Overheard by "JV" at Superstore . . .

Guy: So, how's it going?
Girl: Good, good. My Dad just passed away.

The end is nigh

Overheard by "officechatter" . . .

A 50-something man is bemoaning the gloomy stock market.
Younger guy: But everything will be OK when I retire in 30 years, right?
50-something: Thirty years? Oh, f--k. There'll be no Earth in 30 years.

She's a handsome gal

Overheard by "sortofantisocial" in the girls' bathroom at Louis' pub . . .

Drunk scenester girl wearing a fake moustache:
"I look like my dad."

Hey! Isn't that Nicolas Cage?

Girl: I use The Club on my car because at least it's a deterrent.

Guy: Yeah, well, this isn't a city where the Gone in 60 Seconds crew is hangin' around.

— The Broadway Roastery

Almost seeing red

Overheard at The Galaxy . . .

Black-haired little girl: I have red hair, Daddy.

Dad: You have red hair?

Black-haired little girl: Yeah, but it's at home.

Mom: It's fake.

Dad: Oh, I thought your mom was gonna be in trouble.

Guess what I found in the wardrobe!

Overheard at a used bookstore . . .

Man: I lost my Christian faith in the crazy '60s. I got it back reading C.S. Lewis.

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—SG