He doesn't like to be disturbed

Overheard by "hannah" at the kitchen table . . .

Sister 1: When he's in the bath, he sure loves playing with his balls.

Sisters laugh while Sister 1 bounces her one-year-old son on her knee.

Sister 1: His colourful plastic toy balls.

What did you call me?

Overheard by "officechatter" . . .

Three guys and a girl are sharing Sweethearts candy.

Guy 1: What does yours say?

Guy 2: (squinting) Spooky Prick. Oh, Groovy Chick. It's hard to tell.

We're all on the same team here

In honour of the upcoming Super Bowl, we dig into the vault for this exchange overheard last year at the Roastery:

Girl 1: "It's not very busy in here."

Girl 2: "Well, the Super Bowl is on."

Girl 1: "It's the Super Bowl today?"

Girl 2: "Yeah, what kind of lesbian are you?"

He looks like his grandpa . . . but smaller

Overheard by "3tsh" in a downtown paint store . . .

Father calls to his toddler son: Gollum!

You men are all the same

Heterosexual girl to heterosexual guy: Don't become gay, man. Then you'll have to deal with the same problems as me.

— The Broadway Roastery

Who are these impostors?!

Overheard by "Pretty sure" at Coles in Midtown Plaza:

Clerk: Can I help you find anything?
Customer: Yeah, where do you keep the real books? Do you even have any real books? I have been through the whole store and can't find any.
Clerk: What do you mean by "real books"? All the books we have are real books.
Customer: Well, about real things.
Clerk: Is there anything in particular that you are looking for?
Customer: No, I just want to know where they are.
Clerk shows customer to the non-fiction section.
Customer: Okay . . .
Customer leaves shortly after not looking at the "real books" . . .

Beware the carnivorous fruit

Twentysomething woman, speaking into cellphone: Hi, I was wondering if you could answer a question for me because you're vegetarian. Are avocados vegetarian?

— Market Mall
(Submitted by "Jaw dropped")

WE NEED YOUR EARS, SASKATOON!

Please see the updated information on how to submit a quote (top right of this page). It's easy and anonymous. Plus, it feels kind of naughty and that's always fun ;-)

Spread the word . . .

— SG

Where's the beef?

Overheard at McDonald's . . .

Older lady: Could I get a cheeseburger? But I don't want no meat — just lettuce, tomato and chicken sauce.

No, we just have regular crap

Overheard at Dollarama . . .

Woman: Do you have little plaques with people's names on them?

Clerk: No.

Woman: Do you have little piggy banks with dollar signs on them?

Clerk: No.

Woman shakes her head and walks away.

With a side of vague, please

Elderly lady: "Could I get two submarine sandwiches?"
Subway employee: "Uh, could you be more specific?"

— Subway at Circle Drive Home Depot

Allowance? Pffft.

Tweener girl to mom: "In Alberta, they hire kids as young as 11 to work at Tim Hortons. I could make a good living."

Where everybody knows your name

Naïve girl: I've never known how they get away with calling a bar 'The Hos'.
Friend: It's actually The Hose and Hydrant. People call it The Hose for short.
Naïve girl: Ohhh. I kept thinking, not all hos go to bars.

(overheard by scheherezhade in Human Geography class)
— University of Saskatchewan

The boy formerly known as . . .

Girl 1: Hey, ____ Peters changed his last name.

Girl 2: Why?

Girl 1: I don't know. Maybe there was a sexual innuendo.

— The Broadway Roastery

Truth be told . . .

Student 1: Do you have a learning disability or something?
Student 2: Yeah. I'm ADD.
Student 1: Oh.
Student 2: Just kidding! I'm just stupid.

(overheard by goingtoclass)

A family affair

Dude: So, this Oedipus guy killed his dad and married his mom.
Girl: Gross . . . So, did they do it?
Dude: Oh, yeah.
Girl: Cool.

— University of Saskatchewan
(overheard by headshakingprof)

No, baby, you don't look fat

Guy: "Here, have some more."
Girlfriend: "No, thanks. I don't wanna end up obeast."
Guy: "You mean obese."
Girlfriend: "Oh."

Hooped . . . like the kids say.

Elderly lady: "If you have portable phones and the power goes out, you're hooped! Katherine found that out when her power was out for seven days and 12 hours."

— The Broadway Roastery

Buckle up . . . this ain't no dial-up.

Overheard by thinkingh at Future Shop near the wireless internet routers.

Younger dude: "So wireless-N is the fastest right now?"
Older dude: "That's right."
Younger dude: "Yeah, but is it going to be too fast?"

Alberta envy

Woman: "Who's gonna play the accordion after a hand of Kaiser before heading home to feed the cattle if everyone just moves to Calgary?"

— Lydia's

Meowwww!

Cougar: "People are always coming down on cougars, but what about the little f***ers who are doing them?"

— The Yard & Flagon

Smells like a long time ago

Woman: "The last time I rode a horse, Kurt Cobain was still alive."

— The Broadway Roastery

Gangsta got owned!

Mom to gangsta son: "Don't point your fork at my face! Where did you learn that?! From your rap music? From you videos? You are from PRINCE ALBERT, SASKATCHEWAN, and don't you forget that!"

— The Great Buffet of China

Indiana Jane

Inexplicably, a young woman is brandishing a whip in the shadows outside of Amigo's night club.

Amigo's employee: "Hey, do you think you're kinky?"

Whip girl: "Oh, that's funny coming from the little guy."

Smoker girl 1 (as Whip girl gets a little too close): "Hey, practise your shit at home, Indiana Jones."

Smoker girl 2: "You know, it's kind of weird and random, but honestly I'm OK with it."

Amigo's employee: "Get dead, bitch!" (as he scurries back inside)

Down and dirty flirting

Male laundromat customer to punkish female clerk: "Nice tongue stud."

Female clerk: "Nice stud yourself."

— Arthur Rose Cleaners downtown

Dribbling is awkward

"They've invented some of the world's deadliest weapons, but they can't invent a teapot that doesn't spill!"

— Sushi customer at Otawa on 2nd Avenue

Mommy won't be home for supper

"You don't have to cuff me! I'm pregnant!"

— 33rd Street Safeway

I don't think so, daddy-o!

"But what if you're up in Heaven and you see all sorts of abstract stuff? Then you'll have to shut your pie hole!"

— middle-aged man to his dad, Broadway Roastery